An online group member recently told how a work colleague, the father of a young man who had got himself into big trouble, had become so desperate about his son that, unable to cope any more, he had ended his own life. It was said by another how hard that was to understand, and yet another added that hopefully the mother of the young man would reappear on the scene (she and the father were estranged) to be there for her son instead.

I know no more of the circumstances, but perhaps I can make a stab at some of the possible reasons for the father’s despair and desperation. It seems that he had hung in there with his son even although the mother had given up and moved out. Perhaps the marriage had come apart due to family damage wrought by the son’s behaviours - that would not be an uncommon event, and often a circular process feeding negatively on itself. Coping as a solo parent is never easy, but it would be “six of one, half a dozen of the other” when it came to dealing with the difficult teen or young adult. On one hand, there is no conflict between parents over how situations should best be managed, but on the other hand, there is no mutual support either. But whatever was going on, the chances are that the involved parent was experiencing a tremendous helping of shame and guilt possibly leading to isolation, plus anger (nay, rage!) with grief and depression leading to his final act of escape - the ultimate self punishment, and punishment of others close and more remote.

When kids go wrong, society wags the finger and points it at the parents. “Your kids are what you deserve!” says the self-righteous finger of blame. “You didn’t do your job as you should!” echoes more pointing fingers. Yes, parents should have done it this way, and that way, and every other way they didn’t do it - despite their best efforts, despite how much they cared, despite how hard they tried. The fingers of blame point directly from the hand holding the crystal ball, the hand with all the resources including full knowledge of hindsight. Their condemnation is often keenly and exquisitively felt.

But whoa!

What parent has never made a mistake? What parent can heartlessly throw the first stone? After all, even the very best parenting can not guarantee a successful outcome with every child, and the child himself assumes increasing responsibility for his own decisions and behaviours as he grows older. Not all kids are ones who will listen and learn, who will profit from the input, whose boundary-testing does not cause the carnage with which some families must cope. And then there are all those outside influences - that of their peers, extended family, teachers, society, and a huge variety of components of their culture, own sought-after experiences, own choices and decisions, and not to exclude their own inherited temperament and range of other personality characteristics. The effect of a morally destructive media plus the easy availability of drugs are two major causes of trouble. The influence of the peer group increases as that of the parents reduces, the youngster needing to separate to become his own person. One can have the wisest and most caring parents showing a good level of involvement in their growing child’s development, and the child pursues a need to follow the herd in certain matters of youth culture, making a succession of bad decisions - and derails.

Some parents find a great deal of truth in the saying “you can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it drink”. Some children are just not mainstream kids but have special needs arising from pscho-medical disorders affecting behaviour. These children can still have the best of parents but their behaviour causes problems with far-reaching results. Educated about the dangers in society, provided with healthy and appropriate responses matching their needs, nurtured in all good ways possible, these immature teens and young adults get into trouble regardless. Their absolutely exasperated parents may have received no real support - just more and more blame plus further obstacles in their attempts to do the best for their kids.

But back to the father who took his own life… It is the parents who experience the pain, the shame, the guilt and the blame. It is their hopes and dreams that die as their children choose a very different path, one of moral bankrupcy and wastage. It is they who grieve the loss of a son or a daughter still living, the price that is paid for having loved and continuing to love despite their pain and despair. It is their lost investment in the future, their considered failure, their apparent wrongdoing, their aching broken hearts, their utter exhaustion, their erupting volcanic emotions, a broadening larval flow of molten feelings turning to dead ash all that lived in their wake - their life, their death, their hell. It grows big. It consumes. And it destroys… if allowed to do so.

Suicide is never a solution. While certainly removing the sufferer from the scene, it heartlessly flings the pain at others. An angry act, a desperate act, a selfish act, an immoral act - but an understandably human act to those with compassion. We came into this world with little and all we have was given to us by God’s graciousness - our life, our bodies, our parents, the meeting of needs. It is human to cling to certain things as though they were our life support when that is not necessarily so. A child is a gift, a blessing - but not a necessity for life. A child who taxes us beyond endurance is experienced as a dubious gift, a dubious blessing - but is still not a necessity for life. The investment in that child is not a necessity for life, but if seen as such then that life support is fragile for having been taken out of the hand of God. The pain is real. The grief is real. The destruction is real. Only in returning to the Source of our being for real life support do these hurts eventually heal. Letting go is not throwing it all away.

I am heartened by the knowledge that God is our holy Father, and if ever there was a perfect parent, then He is surely that. But look around you. Just look at what we are up to - we, His creatures, and those of us who claim to be His children! Is this truly what He wanted for each of us? Some are doing better than others, but in all honesty, we have all gone astray and not followed His Will for us in everything. Our Father, the perfect parent, has a nursery full of wayward naughty kids! All of us have sinned and fallen short of His glory! And our perfect Father must be as hurt and despairing no less than any one of us who may be suffering the grief of wayward youngsters. He most definitely knows this kind of grief and although He disciplines with a holy Tough Love for those of us who are His children, He is not hard hearted. To let go the false life support, to put one’s hand in His, to depend on Him instead of on those around us… it is that which makes true these words of Jesus: